Wednesday, 3 November 2021
Hating Myself Context
There are days when I love myself, and there are days when I hate myself. Luckily, the difference isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If you love something intensely, the reverse of the sine wave is to hate intensely. This dichotomy lets you know the depth of feeling you’re capable of understanding. Today is one of those days where I am disappointed that it borders on self-directed hatred.
When I’m talking about hating myself, I’m not talking about depression or thoughts of self-harm. Today I know about my feelings and their depth and are part of why we exist – in my humble opinion, anyway.
So, I’m disappointed in myself because I’m constantly undermining my goals. For instance, I’m trying to lose weight and cut down on sweets and sugar. Almost with the next breath, I’m walking toward the kitchen to grab a chocolate chip cookie! Why do I do that? Is it my last hurrah? Or a mechanism for self-sabotage? Whatever the reason for my contrary actions, it’s annoying.
Last Sunday, I stepped onto scales for the first time in six months and was appalled at my lack of restraint. I discovered I’d almost reached my heaviest weight – ever! Hence, the goal was to cut down on sugar.
The additional weight might be contributing to my ankle not recovering as quickly as it could, not to mention the excess sugar in the diet! Alas, even with the logic piling up, controlling my appetite seems insurmountable. Why, with all my mindfulness and meditation, am I seem unable to stop my action?! Sure, mindfulness is excellent! All that seems to mean is that I’m aware of me countering my intentions, but compulsion seems to win, and then I hate myself. Grr.
Next Steps
For now, my next steps will be to work on why I need to rebel against myself. In the past, it has been a great way to do things that I’d generally object to doing. However, it appears to be a disadvantage for weight loss.
Maybe if I tried to eat more, I’d rebel against the thought, lose weight and hate myself for being so contradictory. Hmmm, that’s food for thought! (Yes, pun intended).
Today's Cards
The Cards - Analysis
Carryover Cards
Two cards carried over from yesterday; The Creator moved from Influence to Recent Past, and The Source moved from Future Energy to Others’ Views.
Cross
So, it would appear that when it comes to weight loss, the Distant Past’s Aloneness has contributed to parts of my foundations not being as sturdy as they could be. Although The Creator in the Recent Past indicates that there is something in my history to be applied to curtail my “cravings”.
Fortunately, this Consciousness has a unifying influence, and there is something at work in my subconscious forming the harmony of The Lovers. The Goal is to try and reroute my focus using Creativity. With a bit of luck, Future Energy will arrive at the Completion of an internal duel.
Base
Supporting the Aloneness with the current card showing The Outsider indicates feelings of loneliness and ostracisation. The key to reading The Outsider card is realising that the effect and the solution are available.
Others’ Views of my predicament are that I am at The Source or I’ve reached a moment of clarity.
Unlike what I’m feeling, the Hopes & Fears position reflects Friendliness. The fear of the Friendliness card shows that learning to reroute my attention when I’m heading to the pantry is perhaps a passing phase. Conversely, the reverse of fear is hope, and the fix is part of the unification transpiring Now with The Lovers.
Finally, the duality of Hopes & Fears or The Lovers’ “individual togetherness” could cause an internal struggle when it comes to letting go of old habits; embodying a little bit of compassion toward myself could allow me to acknowledge and move on from hating myself.
References
- Osho, Osho Zen Tarot – The Transcendental Game of Zen, St Martin’s Press, ISBN 0-312-11733-7
- Tarot Layouts per month
SEO – Although there are days when I’m not happy with myself, and it goes to the “hating myself” realm, I know it’s only temporary.
