Day 064 – The Need to be Right!

Welcome to Day 64!

From almost the first thing this morning, my day was challenging the need to be right.    The reason the thoughts entered my field of view was that a little while ago I had posted a comment on YouTube video with the aim on being informative on something people might not know or necessarily care to look up.  Over time there had been various acknowledgements of the contribution. This morning a comment was made about the accuracy of my information.

Many years ago I would have fought this simply because I got defensive. Also, I was “never” wrong – even if I was (get it!) 😞.  You know the type. Sometimes – rarely – in order to be right I’d gotten: self-righteous, inventive, haughty, principled, and dismissive of others’ opinions.  The responses were reflexive.  Many times words spilled out of my mouth before touching the wisdom tooth, Basically, that’s speaking without thinking first.  To reduce the number of recurrences,  I discovered if I’m in the present and mindful it helps avoid the outflow of unqualified words. Before it gets embarrassing.

There was a situation when doing the advanced driving course, where the instructor was saying something I didn’t agree was necessary.  To prove my point, I proudly commented that I had had six accidents (minor dings) on the topic he was describing.  Instead of proving my point, there was inward cringing as the words spilled out.  Of course, my argument was better inside my head than out of it.  Nonetheless, the point was meant to illustrate how multiple accidents had taught me the right thing to do, but it was too late.  Incorrect timing and use of words didn’t help my cause 🙂.  

At the very least, when I’m not “spit-balling” or playfully extrapolating an idea with friends and family, I try to ensure the facts are as right as I can get them – time and access to knowledge permitted.  It’s much easier since the Internet is usually readily at hand. I’ve also learnt not to be too harsh on those people that are younger than me exhibiting the same “symptoms” of “must-be-rightness” that I used to exhibit.  It’s really a dis-ease. 

Note the purposeful separation of “dis” and “ease”. This is because it makes people who need to be right, ill at ease or uneasy if they’re not right.  Look at it this way, you’re “dissing” easiness. Perhaps, it’s not the need to be right, but the need to “win” that causes the extremes people go to to be “right”.  There’s a whole investment of ego, self-worth, acceptance, love, and humanity attached to the winning or being right.  Not being right meant you were wrong.  For me being wrong had emotional implications: rejection, non-acceptance, unworthiness, un-love, imperfection, and insignificance.  

The terms right and wrong are divisive.  Conjuring the “us” and “them” dichotomy.  If you were right you’re part of us, and if you’re wrong you’re with them.  Much of how we live focuses on this duality, in fact thrives off it.  In reality, it’s more complex than just black and white, two can exist simultaneously and in harmony.  In Australia’s eastern states there are two states that play a game of rugby league that pits state against state, brother against brother. 

Then once ascribed a side character traits both favourable and unfavourable get assigned to the sides.  Listening too much to those characteristics you begin to embed them in your personality and then your ego gets invested.  Once the ego is involved side identification begins to become reflex.  Understanding the separation is crucial to moving on.  Where I grew up, it was like Sydney versus Melbourne; New South Wales versus Queensland; west coast versus east coast, cats versus dogs, toilet roll over or under, et cetera.  

It took me a long, long time to realise that you don’t have to invest your ego between two arbitrarily assigned opposites.  You can love both cats and dogs – and other animals for that matter equally, you can enjoy and equally like the cities of Melbourne and Sydney or any other city you chose to like.  Why choose? Okay, maybe when it comes to competitive sports picking a side is is fun.  You gain greater enjoyment, spectatorially speaking. It’s simply appreciating the skills of the participants of the sport on display.  After all, in this day and age very few players stick to one club, why is it expected that fans stick to one club?  That’s a topic to explore on another day when I feel like being controversial 😉 – maybe.

Anyway, if a child told me that they were experiencing the feelings I felt by not being right, I would feel so sad and heartbroken that the child felt this way. It would hurt, and I would be devastated. Instantly and reflexively I would extend compassion, love, and kindness.  Supportive words would spill forth in the hope of comforting the child.  The whole time uttering assurances that, being wrong is okay, not knowing is okay, not picking a side is okay, and that one person can’t know everything.    

So, how do you spot someone with must-be-rightness?  For me it’s easy, simply check my feelings and if I’m getting annoyed with someone and not “winning”, chances are the person I’m up against is reflecting me back to me 🙂.  That’s because I get annoyed at myself when my own must-be-rightness is beginning to fail.  Slowly, I’m learning to transform the passion behind the must-be-rightness to compassion for my inner child.  To get this to happen, it helps to take a deep breath, and while breathing assess the reason for caring.  Breathing also provides that moment to mentally fact check or buy some time to strategically exit.

These days, admitting and owning an error or mistake comes more easily.  This is because I’m becoming more compassionate toward the deeper levels of my psyche.  Perhaps, Samuel Arbesman’s book title on the half-life of facts (see References 2), helped put what I thought I knew into perspective.  Don’t worry, initially I fought the concept!  How could I not?  Somehow, it made it easier to accept being wrong.  There is a feeling of relief knowing that you don’t have to know everything or be perfect.  

In the case of my comment, I felt there was an obligation to validate what I had posted.  After all, everything we know has an expiration date (see References 2), and mine was based on the memory of something that happened in the early 80s.  Was the information wrong?Did I post wrong information?  OMG! How many people have I misled, if it’s wrong? My confidence in the information was high, because specific first time purchases were made off the basis of the information.  Think of it like the the personal equivalent of knowing where you were at specific pubic affecting event like 9-11.

A quick search using a popular search engine, confirmed that the information I had was still valid (hello Google).  Turns out that there were two parts to the information one physical the other sentimental; I connected with and remembered the sentimental, the challenger connected and remembered the physical. Once prompted by the reminder, memory of the physical returned to me, making the information all the more fuller and cooler – in my eyes.  Hopefully, my response reflected my delight at knowing we were both right and an appreciation of the trigger to remember something forgotten and treasured.  As my husband liked to say, “a rising tide lifts all boats” (everyone wins).

Let’s see what the cards have to say!