15 February 2021
Context
Welcome to Day 46!
Before we begin today, I had another dose of “Bone” to see how my body would respond today, in case it was just the shock of it yesterday – or even something else. This time, I had it with water, making it much easier to consume. The amount of water was also quite small, so easier to get down before I had to think about what I was consuming.
Initially, things appeared okay with a subtle nausea, which I expected was more my psychological response than my physiological one. Usually, I move on pretty quickly; in a manner of, what’s done is done. As the day went on, the feeling of nausea intensified.
Have you ever had one of those days where you’ve set aside time for yourself to recover, but the world kept intruding? Figured you might have. That was what my day today. It was going to be like: attend one meeting in morning, then get past the queasiness by lying down and having pity keep me company.
There was a part of me that knew I needed to nap. Then, there’s a small part of me, that stubbornly stupid side of me, that refuses to believe that healing needs rest. And, quite frankly, I’ve been overcompensating for the feeling of tiredness by putting in more effort, not less. The constant threat of cold sores on my lip tells me that my body is under stress at the moment.
Anyway, it appears that the day had other ideas. There were non-stop interruptions: phone calls, instant messages, text messages and emails (I could have ignored emails, if I didn’t keep getting prompted to look at them!). Then before I knew it, it was quittin’ time.
I’m quickly going to go through my emotional state; because it’s been fluctuating between really happy and really depressed. This usually means that I need to meditate and like a kid that is fighting going to bed even if they know it’s good for them, I’m fighting meditating. At this point, I am imaginarily stomping my feet and crossing my arms in an avoidance tantrum.
There’s so much to do and only so many hours in the day, and in my fatigued state everything appears overwhelming. The only reason I’m not taking the next couple of weeks off, is because I would feel guilty leaving the team to deal with my work on top of their own.
That’s the long and the short of my day. Oh incidentally, since I’m working from home, even the cats are demanding my attention today! Let’s see what the cards had to say!
Today's Cards
The Cards - Analysis
In the Now is The Burden. Just by the name of the card, The Burden and what I’ve written about my day you can tell that it’s been spot on. The Burden of the many things I have taken upon myself. Some of The Burden is self-generated and something I obliged myself to do. For instance, as part of taking the new role, I agreed to finish off projects but not take on new ones when I swapped roles. For the most part the projects were completed, were going to be completed, or in a holding pattern while architects worked on plans.
This has come back to bite me. You see, typically, when a project is finished I no longer hear about it. Done and dusted! It’s the best part of a project. However, it seems that I had a couple of zombie projects; projects that just keep hanging around even after it’s dead to me.
For me, The Burden of wanting to well in my new job and not wanting to let down the old team or the people on those projects is a very heavy burden indeed.
Integration is the Influencer card. Again, if you look at the card’s name of Integration which is what I am trying to do into the new role as well as balance the old and the new. That Integration is definitely influencing The Burden.
In the Distant Past is the Breakthrough. There was a moment when I had achieved a Breakthrough a moment when the me I am hatched out of its shell, unable to be stuffed back into it. This too would generate a situation where The Burden I created exists. The Breakthrough probably happened when I optimistically thought I could do two jobs simultaneously. I thought I could handle it, in the end it’s the same company same hours, just double the workload. Obviously, making a bunch of assumptions which proved false – silly me.
The Recent Past holds the card of Intensity. Intensity is me putting my own spin on the new role. When doing that you create work for yourself, because you’re “you-ifying” it. That means breaking existing patterns and moulds in order to do it your way. My guess is the merging of the old and the new, which is challenging me at the moment. Eventually, the projects will drop off.
Future Energy has the card of Inner Voice. Perhaps to escape The Burden I need to listen to my Inner Voice. (putting on teacher voice) “… and how Michaela do you expect to listen to your Inner Voice?”. With head hung low I respond, “by meditating Miss?”. Teacher responds, “very good, Michaela. Tomorrow at 7:30 am then?”. “Aww… aw-right”.
Huh! We’ll see …
In the Feelings spot is that wonderful card of Courage. My thoughts are definitely that I need some courage to let go of something. Then there’s the little part of me that just wants to have a nice busy day at work, not one that’s overwhelming, and go home and immerse myself in the website.
The Osho card of Courage is about the plants that break out of its seed with an the act of aggression that it needs to break through its outer shell. Then it courageously attempts to grow amidst harsh conditions, much like the flower pictured. This, I suspect, is what I feel I need to free myself from – The Burden.
Thunderbolt is in position eight and the position reflects Other People’s Views. Thunderbolt is about the walls crumbling and everything going awry. This is exactly how I feel and I said as much to a colleague. Guess this means that I need to get my act together; otherwise there might be a little pink van taking me to a lovely little institution.
Position nine is known as the Hopes & Fears position and has the card of Existence. Oh, how lovely! To simply exist and be me, nothing more and nothing less. Being me means free of The Burden of work. Well not free of work, that wouldn’t work for me. Just something manageable. I that my Hope? You bet! Need I mention the fear? Yes, it’s the Fear of not being able to just be myself.
At the end of the day, the Aloneness card is very similar to the Inner Voice card. Both cards are about being alone with your own thoughts. So, the Future Energy supports the Outcome of Aloneness. By being alone (not lonely) I will be able to get in touch with my Inner Voice. Voila!
Until tomorrow, smile – there’s only ever going to be one you!
References
Osho, Osho Zen Tarot – The Transcendental Game of Zen, St Martin’s Press, ISBN 0-312-11733-7