Day 041 – A Dark Mood

Awareness is the first card and is in the Now position.  There is a glimmer of something emerging from within.  It is either emotionally and/ or spiritually.  However, that awareness is surrounded by darkness.   Awareness may not yet be clear but there’s an inkling that something is going to change. (Aside:  it sounds so dramatic … wonder if it’s simply my fingernail on the verge of breaking *smile*).

The second card out today in the Influence position is the Mind.  Looking at the card’s image you can see that there’s a lot going on.  For this reason, the Mind card is usually treated as a blocker card.  Still influencing but in a “blocky”.   There’s so much going on that any clarity around Awareness would be obscured.   I’m hoping the cards’ one word descriptions are sufficient to conjure the feeling for the day, if the Context hasn’t done so.

It may sound weird that in the midst of a bout of non-clinical depression that the third card dealt into the Goal position is Experiencing. Ah… or maybe not.  Experiencing I suppose isn’t always about experiencing the “up” emotions, it’s also about experiencing the slightly darker and moodier ones too.  

Thankfully, at some point growing up I had someone advise me to enjoy my depression by completely feeling it.  Nurse Gibbs gave me advice which I remember more than I remember her face or name, which is sad but I’m glad she was in my life.  Nurse Rosie offered these words: “By completely experiencing the depths of depression, remember that you’re alive and “feeling” things.  That “feeling things” means you’re alive.  It also means you have great capacity for love and compassion”.   

DISCLAIMER:  Since I do not have a clear memory of the encounters, I was a self-centred teenager that listened but didn’t really pay attention to exact words or to the person saying them.  I did however take note of the gist of what was being said.  The below is not to be considered professional advice, it is simply my (perhaps distorted) memory of events.

Nurse Gibbs also made the following suggestions: 

1. Don’t get drunk or do drugs to avoid the depression
2. Don’t let the depression rule your actions, if it wins once it’s harder the next time to beat it.  Too many times and it starts to own you. Context for this: at the time, I struggled to go out the front door in the morning and the temptation was not to leave.  Nurse Rosie’s words echoed in my head at that point and I picked up my bag and walked out everytime.  It worked for me.
3. If you get depressed while drunk, stop drinking.  
4. Don’t wallow or feed the depression either, it can strangely become a comfortable place to hide from the world
5. Don’t hide from the world for longer than a day
6. Don’t do anything that you can only ever do once while depressed 

Where were we with the cards?  Oh, yes… Experiencing as Goal.  Makes sense when I started to feel the dark mood, I sought to experience it as much as I could given I still needed to engage with the world (refer to rule 2 – aw… I feel so “NCIS” right now.  It is why I gave the nurse the name of Gibbs).  

Traveling is in the Distant Past and yesterday’s trip to the Fracture Clinic did seem to trigger something in me apart from the elation. Perhaps it’s reached the depressing stage of reality setting in because there’s at least another three weeks of the cast wearing to go.  It’s amazing just how hard it even is to do thinking style work when you’re ankle is sore.  

Recent Past is the card of Courage (fifth card).  It’s not a big thing but moving around the house cleaning up with my ankle strapped took some courage on my part.  The act however, put me in mind of the woman at work who in the same predicament also had two young children to look after while her husband was away.  Amazing!

The Future Energy position is occupied by Consciousness. By the end of the day the Awareness had turned into a conscious awareness of my mood and the flow of my emotions, even if I didn’t fully become aware of what was shifting. 

Integration in the seventh position of Feelings.  It seems to imply that the reason for my mood and its subsequent awareness is that I am integrating new ideas.  The process of Integration is a balancing between the old and the new.   Think of it this way, you have purchased a new pair of shoes for a cupboard that has no where to put them.  It means you either have to throw out a pair of old shoes or find a way to make room for new ones.  That’s Integration also a little bit of Change too.

If this card had shown up in the first six I would not have been surprised, usually Clinging to the Past is something that can prompt one of my dark moods.  But, Clinging to the Past is in position eight and reflects Other People’s Views.  The only discussion I had with someone today was us reminiscing about the recent past when certain people were still working with us and the communication and productivity was better. 

The Hopes & Fears card of Ice-olation is reflective of my exact hopes and fears.  When I’m feeling this moody, I like self-inflicted isolation – it allows me to hide.  On the other hand, Nurse Gibbs’ rules echo in my head which provides me my hope.

Change in the Outcome position ten is an appropriate card given the feelings I was experiencing.  It is important to note, that while I’m becoming aware of my emotions and the shifts internally, there will be some that I won’t be able to identify.  For instance, I don’t remember the exact way I realised that certain mystical identities were just that… mystical.