Sunday, 31 October 2021
Losing Yourself Context
In my school years, I used to write, “remember wherever you go, no matter where you are or who you’re with, you’ll always be there!”. It was my version of a philosophical koan or riddle. Because, well, you always are wherever you are, and you will be whoever you will at that moment in time. So, what is this business of losing yourself?
So, when people – me, included – have said they’ve lost themselves, it’s pretty unrealistic, but I understand the point of view. Wisely, it’s good to remind yourself that you are not lost, and it’s simply the social constructs you are surrounded by when you feel lost that don’t match your sense of true identity.
Kyler and Sonja both mentioned the sense of loss in their hometowns. It’s a different sensation to the feeling you get when you’ve found “home”. In the latter, it’s that sense of acceptance, the feeling of “this is right”; your defences aren’t up because you’re unsure where or when the next emotional trigger sets you off when you don’t get that feeling it can feel like you’re losing yourself.
Before you go home, you’ve done all this work on yourself; let go of stuff, come to peace with elements of your past, you no longer get frazzled by most things. Then you go home! If you’re unlucky, someone will remind you of your place within the first five minutes. Now, I’m not talking in a bullying or aggressive way, and it’s just where there is a lack of understanding that what they remember of you is no longer a reflection of who you are now.
Situational Response
My mother sometimes buys my sister cutesy things, but my sister is now 50! It would be like someone I met at school buying me a KFC Zinger burger because they remember it as my favourite. In the meantime, I’ve been a vegetarian for 25 years. If I ate the Zinger out of kindness, would I be losing myself? Not necessarily.
Okay, these examples are simple, but this scenario happens all the time. I bumped into a friend/ work colleague I hadn’t seen for 20+ years at a funeral. It was fantastic to see her! Before recognition happened, I thought how wonderfully poised and elegant the beautiful woman was standing in front of me.
Slowly recognition dawned on both our faces, and a conversation ensued. Naturally, the discussion focussed on memories of the deceased and our past journey together. However, I’d forgotten Anita’s turn of phrase and how it sometimes triggered an automatic emotional and defensive response from me. It’s these times where I risk losing myself or my composure and fall into what I’ve been working to outgrow.
I thought I didn’t have this response anymore. There’s something about delving into a past situation that brings back past reactions and feelings. Since then, no one in my sphere has the same turn of phrase or makes the same observations, or at least they’ve not mentioned them to me.
Regretful Reactions
The truth is that Anita’s phrasing of the observations always feel like they’re limiting me, and in a sense, I lost myself (see my feelings on that in Day 267 Dispelling Poppycock). I’d asked if Anita had lost weight, and she bristled. Unintentionally, I’d hit on a sore spot of hers – I’d forgotten how fastidious with her weight and body she’d been. Anita never had an ounce of fat, but her shape was different somehow. She seemed taller and willowier.
It turns out she does a lot of yoga, and Anita has reshaped her body to more tall and slim-looking rather than hourglass-like. Nonetheless, I bristled at her compliment that I’d always been good at the running type of exercise! Why was I losing myself? It was true. When I knew her, I played squash two to three times a week, went to the gym five out of seven mornings; why then did I bristle?
Anyway, after the funeral, I had to rush off. Typically, changing a flight isn’t a concern, but there was a work imperative the next day, and I needed to be home to catch the infrequent flight. Sadly, this meant we couldn’t get past the initial awkwardness and settle into a new dynamic, one where losing myself was less awkward.
Predictably, Anita and I stopped sending each other text messages to catch up. Of course, our departure was awkward, not only because we hadn’t updated our connection, but I also needed to ask a favour of her to drop some things off at a company before I rushed home. In addition, there was the painful memory of a funeral where we lost our primary connection to each other.
Forever Learning
Since the funeral, I’ve been working on those sensitivities and understanding the times where I undergo the act of losing myself. I also spent time wishing to apologise, but the opportunity is gone. And I know that in wishing Anita the happiest life she can have, she would want the sentiments reciprocated. It’s the classic card of Friendliness. We were on the same road heading the same direction for a time, but then we turned off and went our own way.
Today's Cards
The Cards - Losing Yourself Analysis
Carryover Cards
Two cards carried over from yesterday into today’s ‘Losing Myself’; Turning In moved from Goal to Now, Friendliness moved from Feelings to Distant Past.
Cross
Following the crypto crash of yesterday (Day 303), I discovered that it too was a mechanism for losing myself. Turning In took the form of meditation. During meditation, a past incident with Anita played on my mind, and the crypto angst I was feeling (Schizophrenia) were warring within me. It’s funny that I was talking of the Friendliness card above, and it showed up in today’s Distant Past.
Interestingly, Totality and Trust have appeared one in the Goal and the other in the Recent Past, suggesting the moment of Trust (I think that both the crypto crash and Anita’s conversation somehow link in my subconscious). Totality is about the moment you surrender to the process, and Trust is the faith to lead you to the decision.
Coming up in Future Energy is Stress. Does this Stress have to do with the crypto investment or my losing myself?
Base
Regardless of circumstances, Feelings of Change are whirling through my head on both topics. I need to Change how I react to a compliment without losing myself.
Others’ Views are that I have cause for Celebration. Could it be in the confelicity I find when I visit the websites where people have posted such heart-warming comments?
Inwardly, my Hopes & Fears are all about doing the right thing, aka Morality. Soulfully speaking, it’s the fear that I’ll lose myself again. Under the circumstances, I fear not knowing how or what will trigger it means I need to find a way not to mask it but to cope with it simply. I hope I’m up to that challenge. 😁
Finally, Playfulness is in the Outcome spot, and for those of you who have read a couple of my posts where Playfulness has appeared, you’ll know that Playfulness sometimes masks times of Stress.
References
- Osho, Osho Zen Tarot – The Transcendental Game of Zen, St Martin’s Press, ISBN 0-312-11733-7
- Tarot Layouts per month
SEO – A Youtube website’s comments prompted me to think about situations where losing yourself seems inevitable.
