November 2021 - My Soul Embrace

October Stats – Three Cards Don’t Show

Statistics for October 2021

October stats are here! The daily cards can be found on the Tarot layouts, even if I haven’t had time to finish writing all the posts for the month. The important thing is that they happen daily.

October begins on Day 274 and finishes on Day 304. Friendliness makes a whopping ten shows being the first card to reach double-digit appearances all year! All I can say is, I’m glad it was Friendliness 🤗. The Source and Politics each have nine appearances, followed by Stress with eight shows.

Thunderbolt, Adventure, Abundance, Transformation, and Guilt have seven turns, and Intensity is the top of the cards with six appearances. Sadly, Harmony, who looked a promising contender for the year’s most popular card, had dropped back due to making only five appearances in October.

When it comes to cards with the same position two or more days running, two cards did this; The Source and Adventure. The Source accomplished that on Day 298 and Day 299 in the Others’ Views position, while Adventure had the Influence spot on Day 301 and Day 302.

To date, there were 3,040 cards dealt as of 31 October 2021.

A Kind Glossary

It’s not a good glossary, but here are some terms that might help clarify things.

The Cross is the first six cards, and the Base is the last four cards to the right of any layout.

Time-based positions are Distant Past, Recent Past, Future Energy. Note, the “Feelings” spot can also be referred to as the Immediate Future.

It is not set in concrete for the Cross and Base to act as external and internal or physical and emotional; respectively, it is something I use as a rough guide.

These can wiggle a little when it comes to the types of cards that appear and, dare I say it, one’s intuition. There is, of course, Others’ Views which is arguably “external”, but it’s our reaction to how Others’ Views that have internal meaning. 😁

The reason I focus mainly on the highest appearing cards is that they give me the best data. If a card appears twice in the month, it’s intriguing to ponder its significance in a pool of many and is certainly something a discord might be enjoyable to have; quantitative data is initially more fun 🤔.

Distribution Across the Layout

Interestingly, even with Friendliness’ ten appearances, it was over the month; it doesn’t once show in positions eight, nine or ten. While The Source also has a relatively uniform showing rate, it avoids the Goal, Distant Past, and Outcome spots, although The Source dominates position five through nine.

At the same time, Politics makes regular appearances in the middle of the month and avoids the Goal, Distant Past, and Others’ Views spots. Stress finds its groove in positions four and five, ignoring positions one to three and ten.

Transformation primarily liked the Cross area focussing most of its energy on the Distant Past and Goal.

Distribution Across the Month

Concerning timing across the month, the other top ten cards placed themselves evenly across the month, with perhaps the exception of Adventure, who arrived later in the month. The cards were more focused on selected positions rather than when they showed up.

October's Stats - By Day By Position

The Story of October

Friendliness’ showing in Feelings and Distant Past possibly played into the political mindset that pervaded the past positions. Furthermore, Intensity and The Source inhabited the inner realms of Hopes & Fears and Feelings. Conversely, it also showed on the outside how others perceived me. It’s the perception that I’m constantly trying to “find” myself.

However, I do not believe we need to go searching for ourselves. Think of hardwood floors painted over, tiled and carpeted. Once you remove these elements, you still have hardwood floors. It’s the stripped-back hardwood floor, which is The Source of who we are. It’s the part we need to embrace. Once we’ve adopted the rawness, we can then find a clear varnish to suit our style; this is so our authentic selves can shine through and be protected.

Intensity is simply the drive and passion for pursuing whatever endeavour energy holds sway.

Year-to-October 2021

From a year-to-date perspective, The Source (54), edged out by Harmony (51) from last month, is back in top position. It leads appearances by three. My focus has returned to incorporating a previous couple of changes and working out how it affects “me”. Ironically, the thing that would help with this assimilation sits in the last position Turning In (25), the act of meditating.

When it comes to first appearances in positions, basically, what card hasn’t shown up in a layout position? If so, what positions are still vacant against which cards? The First Appearances stats are summarised with 97% of positions occupied, leaving 3% or 19 spots still unclaimed.

That’s October stats done.

Overall Yearly Trend - Highest to Lowest

Only October's Stats - Highest to Lowest

October Stats First Appearances

Day 307 – Hating Myself happens Sometimes

Wednesday, 3 November 2021

Hating Myself Context

There are days when I love myself, and there are days when I hate myself. Luckily, the difference isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If you love something intensely, the reverse of the sine wave is to hate intensely. This dichotomy lets you know the depth of feeling you’re capable of understanding. Today is one of those days where I am disappointed that it borders on self-directed hatred.

When I’m talking about hating myself, I’m not talking about depression or thoughts of self-harm. Today I know about my feelings and their depth and are part of why we exist – in my humble opinion, anyway.

So, I’m disappointed in myself because I’m constantly undermining my goals. For instance, I’m trying to lose weight and cut down on sweets and sugar. Almost with the next breath, I’m walking toward the kitchen to grab a chocolate chip cookie! Why do I do that? Is it my last hurrah? Or a mechanism for self-sabotage? Whatever the reason for my contrary actions, it’s annoying.

Last Sunday, I stepped onto scales for the first time in six months and was appalled at my lack of restraint. I discovered I’d almost reached my heaviest weight – ever! Hence, the goal was to cut down on sugar.

The additional weight might be contributing to my ankle not recovering as quickly as it could, not to mention the excess sugar in the diet! Alas, even with the logic piling up, controlling my appetite seems insurmountable. Why, with all my mindfulness and meditation, am I seem unable to stop my action?! Sure, mindfulness is excellent! All that seems to mean is that I’m aware of me countering my intentions, but compulsion seems to win, and then I hate myself. Grr.

Next Steps

For now, my next steps will be to work on why I need to rebel against myself. In the past, it has been a great way to do things that I’d generally object to doing. However, it appears to be a disadvantage for weight loss.

Maybe if I tried to eat more, I’d rebel against the thought, lose weight and hate myself for being so contradictory. Hmmm, that’s food for thought! (Yes, pun intended).

Today's Cards

The Cards - Analysis

Carryover Cards

Two cards carried over from yesterday; The Creator moved from Influence to Recent Past, and The Source moved from Future Energy to Others’ Views.

Cross

So, it would appear that when it comes to weight loss, the Distant Past’s Aloneness has contributed to parts of my foundations not being as sturdy as they could be. Although The Creator in the Recent Past indicates that there is something in my history to be applied to curtail my “cravings”.

Fortunately, this Consciousness has a unifying influence, and there is something at work in my subconscious forming the harmony of The Lovers. The Goal is to try and reroute my focus using Creativity. With a bit of luck, Future Energy will arrive at the Completion of an internal duel.

Base

Supporting the Aloneness with the current card showing The Outsider indicates feelings of loneliness and ostracisation. The key to reading The Outsider card is realising that the effect and the solution are available.

Others’ Views of my predicament are that I am at The Source or I’ve reached a moment of clarity.

Unlike what I’m feeling, the Hopes & Fears position reflects Friendliness. The fear of the Friendliness card shows that learning to reroute my attention when I’m heading to the pantry is perhaps a passing phase. Conversely, the reverse of fear is hope, and the fix is part of the unification transpiring Now with The Lovers.

Finally, the duality of Hopes & Fears or The Lovers’ “individual togetherness” could cause an internal struggle when it comes to letting go of old habits; embodying a little bit of compassion toward myself could allow me to acknowledge and move on from hating myself.

References

Osho, Osho Zen Tarot – The Transcendental Game of Zen, St Martin’s Press, ISBN 0-312-11733-7
Tarot Layouts per month

SEO – Although there are days when I’m not happy with myself, and it goes to the “hating myself” realm, I know it’s only temporary.

End Day 307

Day 306 – Taking a Step Back to Give Space

Tuesday, 2 November 2021

Taking a Step Back Context

A couple of days ago, I was at a loss about how I could help someone I care about when they were emotionally hurt (Day 301). Today, I had a different story; it’s about checking myself when someone asks me to step back.

Just helping others in small, subtle, unnoticeable ways builds my inner peace and somehow validates my existence – to me at least. On the other hand, I’m okay stepping back if asked. However, being told to “back off” cause you to get defensive. It’s a lesson I’m learning, and I’m, oh, so much better now than I was.

When someone is yelling at you or asking you to back off, the key is to remember they’re stressed too. Think of it as an animal growling at you; it’s a warning to keep away, but the animal will attack if provoked. Stepping back is a difficult thing to do after a growl. The growl usually had me defensive and “growl” back. In hindsight, you realise it was a misstep on your part, and that’s presuming you manage to patch it up with an apology! 🙄

When Someone Doesn't Step Back

Years ago, I asked a colleague to step back and found out what it was like to be on the receiving end of someone getting defensive.

Setting the Scene

Now, some women don’t experience mood swings with their menstrual cycle. Lucky them! I, however, wasn’t one of them 😟. By the time I reached 38, I could sometimes sense my mood change, and it usually happened about one to two days before “de day”. In the office, something had happened I thought was particularly stupid, but knowing not to say anything and continue working was my safest approach. So, I mumbled to myself and kept working.

Unfortunately, for all concerned, the mumble was overheard. My boss, Carmella, had taken the caring but wrong path of asking me what I had said. Full of concern, she asked if I wanted to talk about it.

Since I was aware this was the day I might haphazardly resign, and my emotional sensitivity was on high alert with very little control, I asked if it could wait until tomorrow and if she wouldn’t mind stepping back. Carmella, full of further concern and to use the phrase “bless her cotton socks”, didn’t let it drop.

The Outburst

Once again, and controlling the internal emotional warring forces threatening an apocalypse, I calmly stated that it was just before my “feminine monthlies”, and I would likely say things I would regret if we spoke about them now. My emotional glass was at capacity! Carmella couldn’t let it go; being asked to step back triggered her concern and feelings of rejection. Found that out later.

Valiantly, or so I thought at the time, in a last-ditch effort to head off the discussion was to use the urgency of my work as an excuse to discuss it later. Inwardly, I was pleading for Carmella to leave me alone. Please, just let me get on with my work without needing to apologise later.

You guessed it! Her curiosity was also piqued, and I had no chance. Then I spewed forth anything and everything that had been on my mind. The domino effect led down a path right down to the irrational. All the things I knew I didn’t want out in the world came out.

Yes, I had to apologise later. This outpouring of dribble is what happens when people don’t step back. It’s awkward, and you’ve said things that can’t be unsaid or unheard.r

The Lesson

Finally, after my outburst to Carmella and apologising, I learnt Carmella had also been processing her internal issues. It was simply “wrong place, wrong time” – or was it? After all, the experience provided me with a piece of valuable information – albeit the lesson was an emotional one.

Today's Cards